First post (Eeks!) Part II

My downfall happened in college. I stopped "working out" (aka gymnastics practices), discovered beer and vodka, and believed that eating late night pizza and Jimmy Johns was my hard-earned right as a college student. Needless to say, over time, I noticed my pants seemed more snug. So instead of re-evaluating my eating habits for more than a split second here or there, I simply bought pants in a bigger size (besides, my HS pants had "shrunk" from those darn dorm laundry machines!). I figured maybe a few extra pounds wasn't such a bad thing, and maybe I was too thin in high school. Or maybe the brands of clothes I was buying simply ran small. The excuses kept rolling in...

So what would happen is this:
I'd eventually get sick of feeling flabby and heavier than I wanted, and I'd start getting obsessive about what I ate. I never really tried to exercise because having fellow classmates see me covered in sweat didn't really seem like a great way to make friends. I bought a couple beginner workout dvds but would very rarely use them. I was embarrassed and didn't want my roommates to see me working out. At the time, I thought only middle aged women in leg warmers and bad perms did home exercise programs. I might lose a couple pounds, but I'd eventually get sick of my "diet" and return to my normal eating and drinking habits.

What's ridiculous is that I truly thought that people who worked out and who weren't on a sports team were either A) crazy, B) superficial and vain, C) had an eating disorder, D) obese and therefore belong in a gym. I didn't want to be considered any of those things, so I never went to the gym (and I was NEVER a runner, so the idea of running outside for fun seemed truly crazy). Luckily, I wasn't ever obese, but I wasn't someone who would be considered "skinny." I prided myself on being able to eat/drink what I wanted, when I wanted, and still be "average." Obviously, this mindset is pure idiocy.

So my weight cycled, a lot. My food intake cycled, a lot. My activity level stayed fairly constant. After I hit my highest weight, I did a diet program where I meticulously calculated and counted every bite that went into my mouth, I stopped eating out with friends, and gave up alcohol completely. I remember my family being shocked when I refused a glass of wine at dinner once. Focusing on diet alone helped me lose about 17 lbs in 2-3 months. Wow! This just further ingrained my belief that people in the gym were crazy. I felt so good about myself, but then it was holiday season and I slipped back into my old habits and gained some of that weight back because the way I followed the diet program was not sustainable or flexible enough for "real life." I felt like I was just destined to hate my body.

Luckily, this destined feeling didn't last forever. But more about that later... :)